Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
