nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
