dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
