Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
