I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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