How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
