omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
