Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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