so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
