Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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