I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i now understand why vodka
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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