i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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