i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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