Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
