So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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