i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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