If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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