she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
