I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
