I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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