we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
