I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
