I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
