If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
