Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
