So drunk its hurt
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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