okay pat passed out under dana's car
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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