i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
