I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
