You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
