I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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