I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
