We got so high we made milksteak
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
