There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
