I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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