Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
