I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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