if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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