he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
