Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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