i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
