A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
