I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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