I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
