We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
