Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hippo gnu deer
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize