My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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