I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
