I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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