well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
