I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
