I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
