I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
