I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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