everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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