I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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