The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
